The Babylon Bee

SAN ANTONIO, TX — Sources confirmed that local 40-year-old Marcus Harper officially entered the developmental stage of adulthood characterized by an intense, borderline-religious obsession with researching electrolytes.

SAN DIEGO, CA — According to breaking news reports, John Bolton agreed to plead guilty to one count of illegally retaining classified national security information in exchange for only serving five years confined to a walrus exhibit at Sea World.

Sociological experts and podcasters agree: Living in Russia is far superior to living in the United States. From their pristine subways and plentiful grocery stores to the clearly secure and not-at-all-suspect way they hold elections, Russia is the place to be.

WILBURTON, OK — An intensive Bible study reportedly ended with the dramatic revelation that Elijah and Elisha are two different people.

FRANKLIN, KY — Following a long day at work in the middle of what had been a stressful week of responsibilities and anxiety, one local man decided to take a much-needed break from reality by turning on CNN.