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MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Government officials have reached an agreement with the Hammer Bros. Union, which involves a 20% pay increase due to the hazardous nature of their work, sources report.
“This is long overdue,” union rep Henry Hammer told reporters. “The danger associated with the constant throwing of these hammers, coupled with the physical strain it puts on our b...
OK, our editors are going to have to start doing more research on our interviews before they assign them to us. At the very least, they should issue us hazard gear if they’re going to make us wade through raw sewage to reach our subjects. That seems like the absolute least they should do, right?
Anyway, to be fair, we were pretty excited when we heard that we were g...
HYRULE – Hylian swordsman Link has received his final warning for violating the grunting policy at the Kakariko Village Planet Fitness, irritated sources report.
“We’ve given this individual so many chances to amend his behavior,” employee Tika told reporters. “Just today, I saw him at the rock-climbing wall causing a ruckus that was just completely unnecessary. He ...
FINAL ZONE – Presumed scientist and main antagonist of the “Sonic the Hedgehog” series of games Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik revealed that his Ph.D. was actually in the field of Business Administration, surprised sources report.
“Yeah, I actually got my Ph.D. online from the University of Phoenix while working as a Budget Analyst,” Robotnik said. “I kind of hoped it wo...
SYRACUSE, N.Y. – Every conservative at the Animetopia convention in Syracuse’s Oncenter appeared at the event dressed like Dragon Ball Z character Mr. Popo, unsurprised sources report.
“People think this costume is offensive, which proves that society’s been taken over by a bunch of soyboy cucks,” conservative attendee Nick Gladner said as he adjusted his turban. “T...